Asil Nomis

A Fearsome Adolescence

2005-08-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

I have been not overjoyed with Lyle's behavior lately, and haven't felt like recording his activities, much less the relations between the owners of his little (better-behaved! more languid! sedate!) dog-friends.

In his fearsome adolescence, Lyle is dogged in his pursuit of attention. He has a low growl going all the time, which only stops when the focus shifts to him. He wants to explore and galavant, but only under my watchful eye.

I don't have time for this! Where is my layabout dog, happy just to breathe the air around my heels? Where is my faithful companion who understands that all monkeys outrank all canines? Where is my pet?

Don't Take Your Dog to Play Frisbee Golf

2005-07-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

Enough said.

Dog Park Footwear

2005-07-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

Unless you are planning to wash your feet after leaving the dog park, open footwear -- mules; sandals; my god, flip-flops -- is gross. In fact, it's gross even if you are going to wash your feet. The park is 90% toilet, people!

New running shoes look like a waste; old running shoes are fine.

Any kind of dress or office shoe is a mistake; people for the most part can't stop their dogs from stepping on your shoes -- some dogs have long nails that can easily gouge leather. You'll look like an ass if you pitch a fit. Dress smart!

Willie's golf shoes are fun and fashionably unfashionable.

Clogs keep you above the mess and they look tuff! They're also good for standing in if you can't get a seat on the bench (or if someone you don't want to be trapped in conversation with is sitting next to the only open spot on the bench). Keep an old pair around to clonk to the park in.

The winnah! And it comes in Blueberry, too -- yum.

Whooo! HAHAHA!

2005-07-26T05:35:00.000-07:00

One of Asil's many friends in meatspace (or "reality") has pointed out that in this week's New Yorker there is a humorous essay (not unrelated to the subject of this blog) in which a dog goes Tom Cruise-crazy over a new bitch at the park. Henjoy.

Soap Opera Digest

2005-07-25T05:31:00.000-07:00

WILL Willie and the scuba instructor finally get together, now that he knows she used to dance at a gentlemen's club? Or will this knowledge drive him in the other direction?

DOES the scuba instructor know that the muscle head she fancies is queer as a three-dollar bill?

WILL the yoga instructor realize he's been striking out lately in part because of his dog's aggressive behavior, which girls assume indicates an aggressive tendency in him?

DOES Queen Bitch know we all call him a bitch behind his back?

DOES Juicy know that just being at the park allows flecks of atomized dog shit to become trapped in her lip gloss?

Their Personal Toilet

2005-07-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

Dogs use the dog park as their personal toilet. Everyone knows this; it is, in part, why we bring them there. So why would the PR flack, in her exercise shorts and flip flops, sit on the icky ground and let dogs bowl her over backwards into the ick? Ick!

Or does she understand the situation better than the rest of us? It's just piss! It's just shit! It comes from us all! It washes off! What can it hurt? Instead of clutching our pearls, should we praise and emulate the flack's mellow attitude?

The happiness of the pig in shit could be ours as well.

Aves vs. Canidae

2005-07-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

A smiling urban eccentric, high as Bob Marley going into cancer surgery, stood at the dog park fence with a parrot perched on his shoulder. Three bird dogs scented the air and charged the fence. The parrot flew away. Thus endeth the lesson.

If you see her, say hello.

Women and Hard-to-Handle Dogs

2005-07-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

Some women have dogs that are too much for them, that pull them along like they were a team in the Iditarod.

These tend to be the girls whose voices are too high-pitched to sound authoritative. These girls have learned to get their way in the world through weepiness and feigned need, and although this works on other monkeys, dogs do not respect it. They respect only authority, forged in the fire of the knowledge that of the two of you, you are the one who belongs in charge.

A few women with dogs who can’t respect them will rise to the challenge and let their dogs change them. The chemistry professor -- Chemily -- was once a small-voiced wuss, she has assured the dog park over and over. "Mel" used to stare Chemily down like she was his personal bitch, a piece of nothing, and who dares to tell Mel how to live?! Pah!

Chemily focused and found her inner top. One can almost see the fetish boot and riding crop in her bearing as she strides around the park behind Mel, keeping her eyes serious and peeled, leading form the rear. And she’s got him. He’ll drop a stick he’s chewing on at the first sound of her, “Meeeeeel?”

The PR flack had a different problem with "Eleanor", who is a mix of several herding dogs and is a herding fanatic. If a dog won’t conform to Eleanor’s herding mania -- say if he wants to trail off and sniff something -- Eleanor will bow wow wow wow wow wow wow until the flack quits bending whosever ear and grabs her.

Eleanor’s effect on the flack has been different from Mel’s on Chemily -- instead of making her more assertive (she was plenty already), it has made her more focused on dog-care, and willing to quit lubing up and probing people for money-making opportunities while she handles her dog.

Women: If you like being cared for, get a purse dog. If you want to sack up and take charge, get a dog who craves a master.

Just remember: A dog can only serve one master.

The Car Is Evil

2005-07-18T17:08:00.001-07:00

Lyle has decided not to ride in the car anymore. Where once he would spring into the back seat, now he digs his heels into the driveway in refusal. And now we can go nowhere together that I can't walk us to (including, unfortunately, the dog park).

The first time Lyle pulled this "No car, no way," shit, he found himself rudely stuffed into the back seat and the door shut behind him. Quick as a bunny, he wormed his way under the pedals and lay curled in the driver's side foot well, quivering like a bowline.

Now he spends his days flopping about in the air conditioning. This same strategy worked well for Rosie, who spent her vacation here last summer:

Why Lyle has decided firmly to spend the summer (the rest of his life?) indoors I cannot say. Is it the heat? The car ride, with its lack of AC and sun streaming through the open roof? Did something go down at the dog park? Did all the gossip sting his ethical ears?

A Note on Humping

2005-07-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

Even dogs with no balls -- both fixed and female -- hump other dogs. Prudish owners will blanch, but this behavior aids the dogs in sorting out the dominance hierarchy (the way footwear and watches aid us). However, there are owner consequences . If your dog's "lipstick" emerges past the knot, it won't retract until the excitement is over. Dirt and grossness will likely get stuck to his delicate tissues while he crazily humps the air. Best to take him home. (Exception: If the topic of your dog's behavior is getting you somewhere with your chat-up partner [and if that doesn't freak you right out], stay!)

Alien Values

2005-07-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

Overheard: Mouse telling Juicy and The Dentist about the new guy she is dating, and mentioning that he owns a house. Juicy put her hand on Mouse's knee and said seriously, "When you get married, you need to tell him, 'I want us to start fresh in our own house,' and then sell his and buy one after the wedding. Because Texas is a community property state..."

"That's right, honey," cut in The Dentist. "If it was his house before the marriage, you'll get nothing in the divorce."

"Darling, let's get divorced."

Anarchy Means Engagement

2005-07-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

The dog park is a self-policing anarchic community. There is a set of posted rules ("No children under 12", "Pick up after your dog"), but these must be considered mere guidelines, as the people who happen to be at the park at the time are the only possible enforcers. There is no presidente; we are alone.

Some people have a pet rule that they choose to enforce. Queen Bitch won't stand for kids in the park, whether attended by an adult or not. The chemistry professor will chase down people who drop their dogs in the park and then take their kids to the neighboring playground, because who will pull their animal off "Mel" if shit starts to go down? The PR flack chastises smokers. ("Eleanor" is allergic.)

The only available method to permanently nix a person or dog from the park is shunning. A few people have proven impervious to this, but it has been surprisingly effective in general: Wherever the outcast is, the community moves elsewhere. Evil glances are cast. Any direct questions from the shunned quarter are answered curtly.

In fact, the yoga instructor fell prey to a shunning when "Charley" started picking aggressively on puppies. It was a sub-community shunning; only puppy-owners participated. But yogi got the message and will only enter the park now if no puppies are about.

The Shoeless Drunk

2005-07-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

The shoeless drunk had an ugly brown chow ("Jake") who is dead now. At the park once he kicked Jake in the ribs, hard. But because none of us had the courage to eighty-six the shoeless drunk, he remained.

No one asked how Jake died. One day the shoeless drunk just showed up without him, swigging from a bottle of wine, saying Jake was dead. He finished off the wine and roared off in his truck.

How long do you think till he shows up with another (poor, doomed) dog?

Dog Park Etiquette

2005-07-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

DON’T smoke in the dog park; it bothers the dogs

DO introduce yourself to the owner of the dog on which your dog is gnawing

DO learn to chill about dogs acting like dogs: this includes growling, biting, wrestling, and even humping (Your dog won’t really get fucked up the ass; the dogs are just getting the pecking order straight.)

If your dog turns a corner and starts seriously making like he’s going to attack, DO take him home (The dog owner you were flirting with will be back another day.)

People will learn your dog’s name and not yours; again, DO chill

DON’T reveal too much about yourself or your dog-rearing strategies; people will gossip about you in your absence

DON’T talk politics; attendance at the dog park cuts a wide swath through the socioeconomic landscape. You will be surprised at who does not agree with you.

Love Among the Dog Lovers

2005-07-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

Dog park flirtations have been observed between:

Chemistry professor (dog's name "Mel") and Scottish layabout ("Clara")
Yoga instructor ("Charley") and college student ("Fritzi")
Yoga instructor and medical student ("Layla")
Yoga instructor and elementary school teacher ("Jacques")
Elementary school teacher and good old boy ("Bullet")
Mouse ("Leroy") and former football coach ("Bum")

If never reaching the level of actual one-one-one flirtation, most of the park does engage in cruising. Overheard:

Dentist ("Steffi") fancies muscle-head ("Frenchy")
Scuba instructor ("Sasha") fancies muscle-head
Kept man ("Rory") fancies muscle-head
Queen Bitch ("Barker", "Cypress") loooooves kept man
Creative writing student ("Mickey") likes them fit (cf. transplanted-Austinite jogger, ballerina, pilates fanatic)
Mouse likes the cut of creative writing student's jib

Circumstantial evidence suggests that Mouse and the yoga instructor took it to the next level:

One day Mouse was seen in the park minding both of their dogs
Yoga instructor has a big mouth, but it's hard to know when to believe him

Dog Park Willie

2005-07-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

Willie wears golf shoes and shorts to the dog park. Anklet socks. His rottweiler is named "Rommel".

Willie is kind and talkative. He believes that certain of a woman's habits and preferences shed light on her character. For e.g.: he very kindly approached Mouse, a brunette with a blonde cocker spaniel ("Leroy") and asked if she chews her cuticles. Guiltily, she held up the ragged, bloody ends of her fingers to show him. "Women who chew their cuticles have a lot of energy, but it's all going in the wrong direction."

Willie stuck his nose into a conversation between Mouse and a well-preserved blonde ("Isaac") wearing a Juicy track suit. "Can I join the girl talk?" he asked.

"We're just talking about my horse," said Juicy.

"You know the thing about girls who like horses?" Willie posited. "They have really high expectations." (What more needs to be said of a woman who lays out the cashola for Juicy Couture sweats?)

Lyle's Dog House Porter

2005-07-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

Although Lyle's mug would look fine on a bottle of stout, it is not to be, as my guerrilla stickering campaign did not go over well at Spec's Liquor Warehouse. Some "defaced" bottles of Anchor Steam had to be written off. I'm not sorry.

There are a lot of dogs named after beers

2005-07-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

...but only the palest, piss-yellow dogs are named Bud.

P.S. This blog will focus primarily on the social whirl at a local dog park, with digressions on generalized dog-having. The author makes no claims to actual veracity. xxoo